There is No Pause Button

palm trees just feel like home.
palm trees just feel like home.

We are egotistical creatures. We protect ourselves. Relationships with others can be hard and confusing.  I have always struggled with friendships. I worry if the person really likes me, or if they are playing a cruel game. I worry they laugh about me behind my back. Most of this stems from real life situations, childhood scars that I haven’t taken the time to open up and pour a healing balm of knowledge on. Some are just my own insecurities.  I find it hard to trust others. My relationship with my best friend, the only who knows everything, the one who supports everything, is not this way.

Our friendship has been fast growing, and a really important part of my healing. She believes in me. She pushed me to write, to grow my writing, and myself. She has pushed me through races telling me to “suck it up buttercup.” Those words were true, and are today. I may have taken a pause for vacation, but that does not mean that the rest of the world did. That would be my ego, thinking that I was responsible for the world.

The world did not pause. While we were away, something wonderful happened. My best friend, who lives a 5 minute walk away,  sold her house, and purchased a new one. I am beyond thrilled that she has found their forever home, and that it is almost a reality! This new house is much further away, and not one I can walk to. It is a short drive away though. I am glad she will be close enough for a visit, and I know her friendship isn’t going anywhere.

on the other side of these flowers was the shell of a baby sea turtle who did not make the journey to the sea.
on the other side of these flowers was the shell of a baby sea turtle who did not make the journey to the sea.

I am only sad because I wasn’t here. She has been preparing for this moment for over two years. A wonderful Realtor, a beautiful house, and fresh baked cookies at every open house. She has dreamed of their forever home for a long time. We have purged over online listings, driven past houses in the dark, and dreamed of what we would do to change our dream houses. This is the moment you look forward to. I wasn’t here.  I couldn’t go over with a bottle of wine and a packing tape gun and help her work. I couldn’t even answer my phone when she called to tell me the news. I was there on the beach…I wasn’t here with my friend.

In my mind, this was a turning point moment in our friendship. All of the old feelings came back. Is she mad? Was she hurt? How do I make up for being 1300 miles away when she had the happiest news of her life? (okay maybe 4th happiest with two children and a spouse!) Then she called. As we were heading home, she called. She wanted to know when I was coming back, and when we could see each other. I was relieved. I still have not seen her as our schedules are crazy right now, but, I know she wants me to be a part of her life.

So grateful for this lady in my life!
So grateful for this lady in my life!

When we work within relationships with other people, we have to remember that there are many points of view. If we always look from our own, we may miss a moment that is important to someone else. I was worried, she was elated to have made this step. I thought she would push me away because I wasn’t there. She drew me in. We cannot let our perspective cloud our ability to see the other side of the fence.

Mama needs a night out.

IMG_3172 Tonight was a good night. It has been a week of uncertainties. My uncle is not well, my mom is struggling from “complications” following surgery. It has not been an easy week emotionally. A high school friend lost her brother, we had a storm that took out power and internet for a few days, and well, life.

So, tonight, I was excited to have the opportunity to head out with a friend and the kids. I am grateful for my BFF and all she has done for me. She is an ear, a shoulder, and a supporter. Tonight we headed to the Roger Williams Park Zoo to enjoy the “Born To Breastfeed” event. It was a night at the zoo with other moms. The kids had a blast, and we were able to talk and walk and know the children were happy to be together.  I was a little sad to watch other moms happily breastfeeding, I miss those moments with my boys. I also appreciate that I had those moments. It is hard to explain, but you never forget that bond, you always want it back, and at the same time, you love the growth your children have.

I needed a distraction, a moment to breathe, and I am so glad I got to do that with her.

The animals were more calm at this evening event. They were awake, moving around, and ready to show off for the kids. The kids were just as happy to run and play. It was nice to see the children happy to explore, and not worrying about what others saw or thought. My children have their moments, but they are mine, and I wouldn’t change them. Maybe a little more respect,  but not them, just their attitude.

After we headed to my Bff’s house, and we sat and talked while her husband prepared an amazing dinner on the grill. Hamburgers, grilled onion, and grilled mushrooms! Just wow! We welcomed her friend and daughter and we enjoyed being together, outside, appreciating summer. I know summer will be over soon, and I am enjoying every moment we are having of it. Soon I will be writing papers, reading and highlighting textbooks, and taking exams. being a full time student means being tethered to my laptop and book bag for another year.  So for now, the summer is a nice change of pace. I also will be writing lesson plans, finding materials, and discovering new books for my students. It is a lot to manage, but I know I can do it!

So a night with my boys, and her girls, and friends, and food, and wine is exactly what the “doctor” ordered. I look forward to many more nights like this because without nights like this life would be monotonous.

Summer bff and wine

it comes and goes so quickly

it knows not who it leaves behind

but summer will be my friend

I know that sweet smell will not leave

because my heart lives in summertime!

 

Enjoy your summer and your time with friends!